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I get it. I finally get it.

I’m slowly realizing, that a charming personality, and and an eagerness to please are not the things that will get you what you want out of the world.

Doing things for others theoretically seems like it should get what you want in return.

But at the end of the day.  Doing things for others simply leaves you empty and alone, while they wallow about in their winnings.

To get what I want.  I think from the now on the main element will be a bitter self-hatred for everyone else involved.

Maybe I’m being callow and jaded in my young age, but all of these other things don’t seem to get me anywhere.

What the hell do I want anyway?

Okay. It’s Sunday.  Kind of.  I guess.  Technically.  Right…

Anyway.  Saturday was an interesting mix.  I’m kind of tired so we’re going to see how this goes.

I took that nap yesterday.  I woke up at 1 AM, and I watched some TV (more than I have watched in a good while).  Then after chatting with my suitemate, I called it a night again around… well around now(6AM).  And then I slept until 2.  I woke up, and I made a list of everything that I need to do.    I’ve managed to cross off 2 of those things, but I also started several others, and accomplished things not listed.

I did some homework (on the lists).  Then I had dinner with my dad (not on the lists).  Then I went to see a play (also not on the lists).  After the play, I went grocery/life shopping with the playwright (on the lists).  Then I went out (not on the lists).

Needless to say, I need to accomplish most of the list tomorrow.  But knowing what I need to do, is half the battle, and several things on the list are things that will naturally take more than tomorrow to accomplish, so it’s not a super huge concern.

Okay.  So while it was fun to talk about my day, what I really want to address, is the inane ways that I manage to injure myself.  What happened you might ask?  Well that is a really good question.  And I wish that I could answer it.  All that I really know is for some reason, I have a huge bruise on my left shoulder, and my left hand is a big pansy right now.  Simply meaning that anything I try to do with it makes it complain.  And I’m not a fan of it complaining.  There are certain things that don’t bother it, typing, doing push-ups, gesticulating.  However other things, that seem like they could just as easily fit into those categories makes it feel like it’s going to fall off. It’s really super unfortunate.

I would really appreciate knowing how I acquired these injuries, and how I can get rid of them.  If you could see my shoulder you would think I was in an abusive relationship.  I don’t think I am though.  Which is to say, last I checked, I wasn’t in a relationship at all.

(I’ll address that briefly, if anyone is actually reading this.  All of it that is, implying the things underneath this, then you know at some point recently I was in one, it was not abusive, however, at least not in a physical sense.  Anyway, I went to India over the summer with my school, and while there, getting my spotty internet usage, I log onto Facebook one day, and am informed that I am no longer in a relationship.  There was a message to go with it.  It was 3 sentences long.  That’s really all I have to say about that.)

So. In conclusion.  I would like my shoulder not to look like it belongs to pre-crack Whitney.  Is that wrong of me?  I’m tired.

Is This College?

I feel like something happened today.  Did it?  No.  Do I feel like something did?  Yes.


I woke up in time for lunch.  Went to the bank.  Visited.  Got some money.  Came back.  Went to work.  And now I’m here.  And I want to go to bed.

It’s hardly 7.  And yet here I am.  Wanting to sleep.

I at least feel accomplished, because while at work, I hand wrote out an outline, and roughly just over the first page of a four to five-page paper I have due on Monday. It was a surprisingly good feeling.  And I’d imagine I will feel even better about it come Sunday, when I have such a great start to my paper.

At this point, I can see if my father perhaps wants to go out to dinner.  I can get some food. Maybe some money.  Or I can take a nap.

I really don’t know why I want a nap.  But I do.  How hungry am I really?  Is the question in this situation.  And I don’t think I’m very.  I don’t know. I could be wrong.  But that’s how I feel. I may take this nap, and wake up in an hour or two, kicking myself.

Oh.  On a brighter note.  I won.

I didn’t mention this yesterday, but I was in a small battle with an insurance company.

Someone hit my car at the beginning of the semester, and I had to put it in the shop, so of course their insurance covered the rental.  The rental was good until the car was ready.  The car was ready Tuesday, but nobody contacted me.  They made one failed attempt and tried to call it good.  At which point the insurance company, said, “Not paying for the rental after today.”  Much to my chagrin.

I found out yesterday that this was going on when the rental car company called to inform me that if I didn’t return the car then that my $75 deposit that I was expecting back, was going to run out.  So after picking up my car, and yelling at one person at the insurance company, I calmed from my rage, called back and rationally spoke it out with a lovely lady who was in Tampa (i.e. nowhere(small tangent, can we discuss the word nowhere.  For some reason, no matter how many times I see it, I want to read it as now here, as opposed to no where.  I don’t know why.  That’s all I wanted to say) near me).  She called me back today to inform me that the company would be sending me a check with the reimbursement for the money that I had lost.  I wanted to ask for compensation for the grief, but this lady had been too nice about it.  So that was exciting, and made me feel good.

Also, right now, intermittently while writing this, I was overcome with the urge today to combine Already Gone by Kelly Clarkson, and Halo by Beyoncé, since they use the same back-track.  I really wanted to find someway to do something cool with them, because if you line them up you get the same music with the extra instrument added to make each song different. I don’t know what I want to do yet, and it doesn’t help that Beyoncé went and made her song shorter. I need her to go back in and record an extra verse or something, so that the two songs are the same length.

Also, lastly, I think, I went into my closet today, and took out clothes that I don’t wear anymore.  I’ll probably get rid of them, but I wanted to make sure that there was a reason that I don’t wear them anymore (i.e. I left the flannel shirt(don’t judge, flannel was in last year) I haven’t worn since March, but took out short-sleeved shirt’s that I haven’t worn since Spring 2009).  As a result of this, I went through like 3, maybe 4 wardrobe changes today.  And I slowly began realizing why each of the things I had taken out was a bad idea.  I’m really not sure why I buy clothes that don’t fit right from the beginning because it just makes it more likely that they won’t fit right later on.

Okay.  I think I’m done for now.  I’m probably going to take a nap.

Do Something


I guess I started this earlier this year (not that I don’t know, because I do, it was more of a rhetorical question).

I dropped off.  I did well for the first…. day?  Mayhaps this is take two.  We’ll see if I can stick to it this time.

I feel like I have a lot to say, and I don’t know how to say it.  I’ve been writing in a lot of venues lately, and it doesn’t seem to help, so I’m not sure what to do.  Maybe start a vlog?  I guess that’s always an option, if I didn’t hate the way my voice sounded, or the way that I look on camera, or only 4,692 other things about myself/myself on film.

So, I really feel like the culmination of my problems is the result of a lot of uncertainties.  I really don’t know what I want to do.  Not to say that I don’t know what I want to do.  I know what I want to do.  Something with psychology…  It’s vaguely unspecific.  Which is a problem.  So, here’s my current standing on what I think I should do.

Just over a year ago, I transferred to where I am now (warm, but still slightly challenging), from where I was (cold, and very demanding).  And I have worked my ass off here to graduate at the end of this year.  Unfortunately.  I’m currently thinking, that because where I came from has a very gracious “time off” policy (because that is technically how I left), I can return there.  Uprooting my self again when Spring starts to go back somewhere that I have left once already.

Last time I left because it was cold, and it made me miserable, which caused my grades to suffer to a never before seen point.  Lately in an unrelated fashion, I have taken up some mediation/yoga, in a personal practice, and I find that if I can manage it outside for a few minutes then it really moves my day forward.  I’m thinking if I can go back, and slog it out in the north, then it will buy me at least another year, if not two, before I have to know what I’m doing with my life.

One problem, and I guess it really doesn’t matter.  I’m tired of uprooting.  I want to get somewhere and be there (I actually really love traveling, but I want to stay somewhere long enough to find someone who I can take with me).  I want someone.  I can’t move through my day-to-day life, without constantly being slapped in the face with the relationships that my friends continue, in perpetuum.   It makes me, not only nauseous, but jealous. I feel that I have to hang on to my single friends, and if I was a more horrible person, I would probably try to find a way to ruin any of the relationships that are going on right now.  It’s this really horrible thing, where I can’t get a relationship to last, and then of course all of my friends are in these relationships and they get in them and then all of a sudden they are married or something.  It really does not make sense to me.  It’s like how to do you do that?  Is there some memo that I missed on how this game works.

This isn’t actually to say that all of my friends are running off and getting married.  For some reason, I am drawn to a younger crowd, so my friends are all only entering the first or second year of their relationships.  However, I as far as I am concerned there are two realizations that I have come to in the past couple of weeks.

1) I like older men (not that I didn’t already know this it is just part of the package deal).

2) I think there is something about a male nurse this is magically alluring.

3) Men should be wiped from the face of the earth.

That’s about it.  I’m just really tired of things sometimes.  At the same time, I don’t want to let anything go.

It’s difficult, because they tell you, that’s it when you stop looking that you find what you want, but at the same time, there is the law of attraction, which says I have to wish it into existence.  Well Universe?  Which is it?  It’s not to say that I’m unhappy with being alone.  Alone has its infinite perks, but the one thing that it just does not give me, is the touch of another person, on any sort of regular basis.  And that is something that I particularly love.

I don’t know.  This is becoming disjointed.  I can’t seem to focus anymore.

What was I talking about?

I think one thing, is that I try to move constantly to avoid the feeling of rejection that seems to come all too frequently.  I move somewhere else thinking, “hey, maybe here it will be different”, or “this time when I’m there it will be different.”  But do you know what it never is.  It is never different.  Shocker, no?

I’m pretty sure that each city in the world, (or at least this country) has the exact same men in it.

I have met one man who I can genuinely call nice, for the time that I knew him, until I had to hurt him (because that was the only criteria he met, and nice won’t pay the bills).  Nice is not a thing that happens anymore.

I’m tired, and I can’t keep focus, and I’m going to start rambling soon.  I think I’ll probably go to bed, and try to pick this back up tomorrow.  Something else, something new.  We shall see how that goes. For now…

It’s that time of year.


I have my first final tomorrow morning at 8 am.

Approximately less than 8 hours from now.

Roommate of “I think there was this time once…” is finishing up moving.  Had to loan out the car while I was at work to allow for ease of access during this process, which is a little bit upsetting.

More upsetting however is the level of how oblivious I was to everything that had happened in my classes to this point. I thought I knew most of the stuff.  I was blithely unaware of the level of stuff that I didn’t know.  I’m sure come Wednesday at 7, I will feel more upset about roommates move.  However, current actual roommate is supposed to move out Wednesday leaving me the room all to myself, as I think I’ll be here over the summer.  In this exact room.  Which might make Wednesday, slightly more exciting.

On a more upbeat note, Boyfriend texted me not very long ago wishing me good luck this week. I think he felt like I would be asleep, and it would be a nice surprise for in the morning, however he is even more unaware of the level of stuff that I didn’t know.  And I wanted to see a movie tonight.  Good thing that fell through.  But he and I have not been talking much this past week, between me putting off studying for finals, and all his projects due next week before has to being putting off studying for finals.

So, I was going to post something yesterday, but that just didn’t happen.  I feel like yesterday needs to be discussed though.

There a party/benefit last night.

It was Massive.  (With a capital M, clearly)

And then the after party at the club. I moved and made it inside quickly but there was a lengthy line, and then apparently (from what I understand) the cops showed up and told a bunch of people behind me they had to go home.  However, one thing that I realized last night is that, the level of scare discussed from the aforementioned post should be easily dismissed (granted I don’t want to eat my words).  You know when you get comfortable in a relationship and you gain a little weight.  You’re clothes fit a little more snug-ly than they did beforehand, not necessarily enough to require a new wardrobe, but just something noticeable, that should you suddenly be thrust back into the dating world you would need time to feel comfortable, or return to your normal self from.  Well I realized last night after being coerced into this party that the depression brought about by this fear, has my clothes fitting potentially looser than they fit before I started this relationship. Or at least as loose as they did beforehand. I couldn’t help but look at myself in the mirror from time to time as this realization came over me.  It made me feel more confident, and perhaps less like I need Boyfriend.  Granted, I am the nesting type, so it’s not to say that I don’t want or need a boyfriend, just that I maybe don’t need this particular one if he doesn’t need me.

As a result of this new-found confidence.   I felt like the evening was rather successful, I re-connected with old friends, and even made a few new ones.  Both male and female.  Granted, I feel like, by the end of the night, the male ones were the ones I was more interested in acquiring.

I’m not one to be shifty in a relationship, so I also took great care to make sure to avoid letting anything happen (a lack of funds for alcohol helped keep this particularly in check). But it didn’t keep me from walking away with the memory of being told (by a guy that I went on a few dates with not long before Boyfriend entered) that he didn’t think I needed to be with Boyfriend if that was the way that he was going to act because I was too perfect for such treatment.  Which was definitely a major highlight because this guy only got dropped because he had to leave for a few months to take care of an ailing and then dying grandfather, during which time Boyfriend appeared.

So, my weekend consisted of a fair amount of work (the money-making kind, not the better grade having kind), a little bit of awesome partying (I made it home around 4 in the AM), and lastly (although it shouldn’t be) a little bit of studying.

So here’s the breakdown:

Tomorrow (Monday, aka, today), I have 2 finals.  1 at 8am in stats, and another at 4 in my learning and memory class.

Tuesday, I have 1 final in my Latin (ewww) class at 8am.

Wednesday, I have 1 final in my Modern Dance class at 4pm.

It seem as though it would be logical if the 3 more important finals were not all right next to each other, time wise, but that is the way that my life works.  However on the bright side, the fact that I don’t know my dance at all currently shouldn’t hurt me come Wednesday when I have to perform it in front of the whole class (I may come up with an excuse of a Dr. appointment or something at 4:30 so I can go first, and then leave and throw up immediately after, not that I have a great deal of stage fright, it just helps to know what it is that I’m performing).

Also can we discuss my bodies incapability to become fully rested? I slept until 2 today before jumping out of bed to get ready for work.  I have to catch up on sleep some time, I tend to get copious amounts over the weekends, I can’t be that far behind.

Back to studying for now. I’m sure Latin will get pushed aside tomorrow night for some other tale that I need to regale.

Blerg… Studying.

Ain’t that life?


So it’s been a solid 12 hours since I wrote my last bit, but I’m back.  I need to vent about the way that colleges play with poor college students emotions.

So, as a simple graduate requirement here you are required to take a course at some point in May.  Only two of which actually take place in the region.  All of the others want to ship you off to some remote locale.  It’s supposed to build character or something, and actually is somewhat appealing and exciting sounding.  The only problem with this seemingly flawless plan you may ask?

Well, when May rolls around there is very little of your years financial aid left, even for high need students like myself.  I mean it’s only logical I would want to use it during the year, but you can’t find me any extra?  No?  Just asking. I also need to find a way to pay for summer school, as is the plight of a transfer to a school with a mentally challenged registrar (not that she is actually mentally challenged, just in my encounters with her, she read the college catalogue in 1965, when she first started, and has yet to re-read it.  I mean everything is still the same as in 1965, right?  I love going to the Nickelodeon (That was still real in 1965 right?)).

There is also another problem.  My school is really bad at communication.  They like to think they are really good at it.  They’re all like, I sent an e-mail to you about this like 15 minutes ago and told you, you had to be here.  15 minutes isn’t a whole hell of a lot of time for me to check my e-mail and make it somewhere.

So, I have to go on this trip, and I looked through my available options, and I was like.  Hmm.  India sounds interesting. So I’m gonna go to India.  I don’t know if you’ve ever left the country, but there are a lot of expenses required to get that going.

So I’m going to India, and I have to pay everything for the school, because there is not a lot that they want to pay themselves.  So I’ve been working on getting this paid all semester.  They were like you owe amount X, and over the course of the semester, I gradually paid them amount X.  This is where that whole communication thing comes in.

I paid them amount X.  Then about a week ago, they send my mother a bill saying, Hey you know that you still owe, amount Y correct?  My mother contacts me and says, why the hell do we owe them amount Y?  Now my understanding was that once I paid everything, then everything would be paid.  Not once I paid everything, then I owed them something else. That does not make sense to me.

So I thought on it.  Realizing that I had applied for a travel grant, there had been communication issues, and I needed to resolve them because this money that I had given up on could cover amount Y.  So communication issues: I submitted the application, explaining that I did not have a GPA because I was transfer.  The told me, that is absolutely fine.  I receive a letter in the mail about 2 weeks later informing me that because I don’t have a GPA I am completely ineligible for this award.  Wait a second…?

So I talk to them at the beginning of the semester, and they inform me that I can appeal it since they said that shouldn’t affect my money receiving ability.  So I appeal it.  In February.  Come mid April, I had still heard nothing so I politely inquire into the situation, and am informed that they forgot about, and they should be able to get a decision by Wednesday.  Okay…

Wednesday comes, and I am denied a transcript request because I was charged amount Y a week ago, and it hasn’t been paid.  Who really has $725 to just pass out while they’re in college.  I sure as hell don’t. But I need this transcript so I can take classes this summer, because we offer like 3 summer classes, which are all uniquely useless to me(and which are the only ones you can take if you want summer financial aid, which I am apparently eligible for, really college?  Thanks).

So I talk to the Business office. Turns out that the money went straight to spending money, despite the fact that I said I needed it to cover amount Y.  Useless.  Why do I even try to communicate?

So after being informed that I had $690 in spending money, I’m find out that they messed up and that is actually not my spending money.

Thanks for getting my hopes up College.

Learn to communicate.

On a separate, but related note, they informed that my mother was sent a $1030 check in January.  I never received the fruits of this check.  According to her, she didn’t either.  They claim it was deposited.  But not in her bank account.   What are you talking about school?  I want my $1030!!


I’ve been thinking about this for awhile.  I’ve been reading blogs, and I’ve been thinking a lot. (Not Alot, which is actually what started this.)  I’m thinking of this as more of a journal of my life, but I guess I didn’t make it “private” to searches so it’s out there for anybody to read.

It is 3AM.  I need to go to bed, and yet here I am.  I’ve had a lot on my mind lately, like I said earlier, and I don’t know how to get it out any other way.  Welcome to the 21st century.   I once tried to keep a journal on paper and I felt like a complete moron before I even finished the first days worth of stuff.  At least this way, if I feel like a moron, I can delete it and the words won’t be etched onto the next page.

I guess I should write about what’s been on my mind lately. That’s why I’m here, right?

So.  There are …roughly… three characters this story. Or three main characters I guess. More will pop up.  It’s inevitable. I’m not that good at story-telling. It’s been a problem since childhood.  My mother (the English teacher) would ask what a book was about and instead of a roughly paragraph length synopsis I would expound for about 20 minutes.  I realize now she was probably only being nice and pretending to listen while creating a to-do list for the year in her head, but I could never master the summary.  My friends mock me asking if just about every story I tell comes in paperback, but summary, like many things, was not a talent I was gifted with.

That (^) right there.  That is a wonderful example of what I was talking about.

The story:

Time is an extremely fluid concept for a college student when mid-March hits.  Time for college students it extremely non-Newtonian. It’s solid when you want it to move, and fluid when you want it to stand still.  Not that I want it stand still.  I just realize that finals are fast approaching and all of my senior friends will be leaving me.  Again.  Also, studying is one habit I was never very good at it either.  The list of things I’m not good at it is extremely lengthy.

To summarize the last paragraph the events in the story won’t be highly time oriented mainly because a lot has happened, I don’t remember the exact order, or even when it all actually happened.

2 things:

1) Boyfriend:  Boyfriend lives far away.  Not like across the country.  Just across the state.  I’m not currently in Texas, so across the state isn’t really as far as it could be, but it is still annoying. Now I really like boyfriend, and he is fully aware of this.  But we have our tiffs.  Which are annoying when you can’t immediately resolve them with sex. Not that sex is the answer to everything but it does help to just let everything go.  Anyway.  Not the point.  We had a tiff recently, when I was on a trip down there.  Near the end of the tiff, he said he needed time to think, and that it would probably be best for me to just head home.  Early.  Not that I don’t want to respect his wishes, but I had to work to make time, and I told everyone I was leaving, and then suddenly, I’m going to be back.  And not with him.


So I drove home early.

I spent the time at home in bed.  Lame.  At the culmination of his thinking he informed me of two things.  1) He doesn’t want to end this relationship, and 2) He will eventually hurt me.

Now I don’t want to seem like a moron, so here I would like to clarify.  There is very little down time for grief in my life.  So I told Boyfriend that at the moment I didn’t want to lose him, and that I didn’t have time to mourn the relationship.  This means that he is still boyfriend, but there is a serious scare to the relationship.

2) Roommate:  There comes another time in mid-March as well, in the lives of the students here, where we get excited.  Planning starts for next year, this includes: room selection(including roommates), course selection, and summer planning.  As a rising senior, I was greatly thrilled to have a low number for room selection.  And I knew just what room I wanted. I had been excitedly talking about it for about 3 weeks before room selection even came up.  My next step was to pick who was living with me. I was getting a great room, so the real thing was who didn’t want to live with me.  Well.  Secretly all of my friends were graduating or pairing off without me.  Rude.  But I knew one person I could count on no matter what. Suite-mate.  Who quickly became roommate, and we were super excited. I quickly realized one major flaw with this scenario. Roommate was not actually going to be here next semester.  As much as Roommate wanted to say that would be happening.  This meant that I needed to find a new roommate, which put me back at that square where I realized that everyone else had a roommate, which wasn’t square one, because that was when I was blithely searching for a roommate without realizing that everyone already had one.

Okay. So, introduce character three.  This does not introduce a new section.  We’ll call this person, Roommate take 2.  Actually that’s really long.  We’ll call this person… Roommate 2.  So Roommate 2 is actually an incoming freshman.  But I wasn’t going to let the computer unassumingly pick someone like Roommate’s former roommate, who committed unnecessary sexual acts 25 hours a day.  Which somehow is oddly one more than seems humanly possible. I wanted the cream-o-the-crop freshman.  Having volunteered during Preview weekend, I knew just who that was, so I sadly set to work at getting this person to be my roommate.

The culmination of these two events has led me here… Two bad things that I did not want to believe would happen.

Therefore, I am ending this on this note.  Something I have to remind myself of, frequently, and is yet somehow so useless in this situation. My favorite author said in one of her novels this:

“It is what we most desire that we’re afraid to count on; it’s always so much easier to believe in an eventuality you’d rather avoid.”  – Curtis Sittenfeld.

And yet while I tried my damnedest to avoid believing in these things, this is where I’m at. A certain part of me is excited for next year, but a lot of me knows that it just won’t be quite the same.


So here I am.  At this crossroads.

That’s not all that’s going on, but that’s what I’m writing about for now.

Issue #1 being the most pressing.  But certainly not my only worry.

We’ll see how well this sticks especially during finals.

Here goes.