So.

I guess I started this earlier this year (not that I don’t know, because I do, it was more of a rhetorical question).

I dropped off.  I did well for the first…. day?  Mayhaps this is take two.  We’ll see if I can stick to it this time.

I feel like I have a lot to say, and I don’t know how to say it.  I’ve been writing in a lot of venues lately, and it doesn’t seem to help, so I’m not sure what to do.  Maybe start a vlog?  I guess that’s always an option, if I didn’t hate the way my voice sounded, or the way that I look on camera, or only 4,692 other things about myself/myself on film.

So, I really feel like the culmination of my problems is the result of a lot of uncertainties.  I really don’t know what I want to do.  Not to say that I don’t know what I want to do.  I know what I want to do.  Something with psychology…  It’s vaguely unspecific.  Which is a problem.  So, here’s my current standing on what I think I should do.

Just over a year ago, I transferred to where I am now (warm, but still slightly challenging), from where I was (cold, and very demanding).  And I have worked my ass off here to graduate at the end of this year.  Unfortunately.  I’m currently thinking, that because where I came from has a very gracious “time off” policy (because that is technically how I left), I can return there.  Uprooting my self again when Spring starts to go back somewhere that I have left once already.

Last time I left because it was cold, and it made me miserable, which caused my grades to suffer to a never before seen point.  Lately in an unrelated fashion, I have taken up some mediation/yoga, in a personal practice, and I find that if I can manage it outside for a few minutes then it really moves my day forward.  I’m thinking if I can go back, and slog it out in the north, then it will buy me at least another year, if not two, before I have to know what I’m doing with my life.

One problem, and I guess it really doesn’t matter.  I’m tired of uprooting.  I want to get somewhere and be there (I actually really love traveling, but I want to stay somewhere long enough to find someone who I can take with me).  I want someone.  I can’t move through my day-to-day life, without constantly being slapped in the face with the relationships that my friends continue, in perpetuum.   It makes me, not only nauseous, but jealous. I feel that I have to hang on to my single friends, and if I was a more horrible person, I would probably try to find a way to ruin any of the relationships that are going on right now.  It’s this really horrible thing, where I can’t get a relationship to last, and then of course all of my friends are in these relationships and they get in them and then all of a sudden they are married or something.  It really does not make sense to me.  It’s like how to do you do that?  Is there some memo that I missed on how this game works.

This isn’t actually to say that all of my friends are running off and getting married.  For some reason, I am drawn to a younger crowd, so my friends are all only entering the first or second year of their relationships.  However, I as far as I am concerned there are two realizations that I have come to in the past couple of weeks.

1) I like older men (not that I didn’t already know this it is just part of the package deal).

2) I think there is something about a male nurse this is magically alluring.

3) Men should be wiped from the face of the earth.

That’s about it.  I’m just really tired of things sometimes.  At the same time, I don’t want to let anything go.

It’s difficult, because they tell you, that’s it when you stop looking that you find what you want, but at the same time, there is the law of attraction, which says I have to wish it into existence.  Well Universe?  Which is it?  It’s not to say that I’m unhappy with being alone.  Alone has its infinite perks, but the one thing that it just does not give me, is the touch of another person, on any sort of regular basis.  And that is something that I particularly love.

I don’t know.  This is becoming disjointed.  I can’t seem to focus anymore.

What was I talking about?

I think one thing, is that I try to move constantly to avoid the feeling of rejection that seems to come all too frequently.  I move somewhere else thinking, “hey, maybe here it will be different”, or “this time when I’m there it will be different.”  But do you know what it never is.  It is never different.  Shocker, no?

I’m pretty sure that each city in the world, (or at least this country) has the exact same men in it.

I have met one man who I can genuinely call nice, for the time that I knew him, until I had to hurt him (because that was the only criteria he met, and nice won’t pay the bills).  Nice is not a thing that happens anymore.

I’m tired, and I can’t keep focus, and I’m going to start rambling soon.  I think I’ll probably go to bed, and try to pick this back up tomorrow.  Something else, something new.  We shall see how that goes. For now…