I’ve been thinking about this for awhile.  I’ve been reading blogs, and I’ve been thinking a lot. (Not Alot, which is actually what started this.)  I’m thinking of this as more of a journal of my life, but I guess I didn’t make it “private” to searches so it’s out there for anybody to read.

It is 3AM.  I need to go to bed, and yet here I am.  I’ve had a lot on my mind lately, like I said earlier, and I don’t know how to get it out any other way.  Welcome to the 21st century.   I once tried to keep a journal on paper and I felt like a complete moron before I even finished the first days worth of stuff.  At least this way, if I feel like a moron, I can delete it and the words won’t be etched onto the next page.

I guess I should write about what’s been on my mind lately. That’s why I’m here, right?

So.  There are …roughly… three characters this story. Or three main characters I guess. More will pop up.  It’s inevitable. I’m not that good at story-telling. It’s been a problem since childhood.  My mother (the English teacher) would ask what a book was about and instead of a roughly paragraph length synopsis I would expound for about 20 minutes.  I realize now she was probably only being nice and pretending to listen while creating a to-do list for the year in her head, but I could never master the summary.  My friends mock me asking if just about every story I tell comes in paperback, but summary, like many things, was not a talent I was gifted with.

That (^) right there.  That is a wonderful example of what I was talking about.

The story:

Time is an extremely fluid concept for a college student when mid-March hits.  Time for college students it extremely non-Newtonian. It’s solid when you want it to move, and fluid when you want it to stand still.  Not that I want it stand still.  I just realize that finals are fast approaching and all of my senior friends will be leaving me.  Again.  Also, studying is one habit I was never very good at it either.  The list of things I’m not good at it is extremely lengthy.

To summarize the last paragraph the events in the story won’t be highly time oriented mainly because a lot has happened, I don’t remember the exact order, or even when it all actually happened.

2 things:

1) Boyfriend:  Boyfriend lives far away.  Not like across the country.  Just across the state.  I’m not currently in Texas, so across the state isn’t really as far as it could be, but it is still annoying. Now I really like boyfriend, and he is fully aware of this.  But we have our tiffs.  Which are annoying when you can’t immediately resolve them with sex. Not that sex is the answer to everything but it does help to just let everything go.  Anyway.  Not the point.  We had a tiff recently, when I was on a trip down there.  Near the end of the tiff, he said he needed time to think, and that it would probably be best for me to just head home.  Early.  Not that I don’t want to respect his wishes, but I had to work to make time, and I told everyone I was leaving, and then suddenly, I’m going to be back.  And not with him.


So I drove home early.

I spent the time at home in bed.  Lame.  At the culmination of his thinking he informed me of two things.  1) He doesn’t want to end this relationship, and 2) He will eventually hurt me.

Now I don’t want to seem like a moron, so here I would like to clarify.  There is very little down time for grief in my life.  So I told Boyfriend that at the moment I didn’t want to lose him, and that I didn’t have time to mourn the relationship.  This means that he is still boyfriend, but there is a serious scare to the relationship.

2) Roommate:  There comes another time in mid-March as well, in the lives of the students here, where we get excited.  Planning starts for next year, this includes: room selection(including roommates), course selection, and summer planning.  As a rising senior, I was greatly thrilled to have a low number for room selection.  And I knew just what room I wanted. I had been excitedly talking about it for about 3 weeks before room selection even came up.  My next step was to pick who was living with me. I was getting a great room, so the real thing was who didn’t want to live with me.  Well.  Secretly all of my friends were graduating or pairing off without me.  Rude.  But I knew one person I could count on no matter what. Suite-mate.  Who quickly became roommate, and we were super excited. I quickly realized one major flaw with this scenario. Roommate was not actually going to be here next semester.  As much as Roommate wanted to say that would be happening.  This meant that I needed to find a new roommate, which put me back at that square where I realized that everyone else had a roommate, which wasn’t square one, because that was when I was blithely searching for a roommate without realizing that everyone already had one.

Okay. So, introduce character three.  This does not introduce a new section.  We’ll call this person, Roommate take 2.  Actually that’s really long.  We’ll call this person… Roommate 2.  So Roommate 2 is actually an incoming freshman.  But I wasn’t going to let the computer unassumingly pick someone like Roommate’s former roommate, who committed unnecessary sexual acts 25 hours a day.  Which somehow is oddly one more than seems humanly possible. I wanted the cream-o-the-crop freshman.  Having volunteered during Preview weekend, I knew just who that was, so I sadly set to work at getting this person to be my roommate.

The culmination of these two events has led me here… Two bad things that I did not want to believe would happen.

Therefore, I am ending this on this note.  Something I have to remind myself of, frequently, and is yet somehow so useless in this situation. My favorite author said in one of her novels this:

“It is what we most desire that we’re afraid to count on; it’s always so much easier to believe in an eventuality you’d rather avoid.”  – Curtis Sittenfeld.

And yet while I tried my damnedest to avoid believing in these things, this is where I’m at. A certain part of me is excited for next year, but a lot of me knows that it just won’t be quite the same.


So here I am.  At this crossroads.

That’s not all that’s going on, but that’s what I’m writing about for now.

Issue #1 being the most pressing.  But certainly not my only worry.

We’ll see how well this sticks especially during finals.

Here goes.